Random new post... just some "in the moment" thoughts

Here are some deeeeep thoughts that have been rolling around in my head lately... Just processing here. Nothing much to see. Move along.

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Lately I've been thinking about how some very specific people I know want all the benefits of friendship without any of the responsibility. What's up with that?

There are many levels of friendship, I know. However, in the specific instances I'm talking about, I thought the level was "close," and "very close." It turned out that I was much more invested than they were. It hurt quite badly to find out -- the hard way, of course -- but I'm a better person because of it because I learned a lot about myself, my blind spots, and how to just keep on keepin' on.

I must take responsibility for my part in what happened. I ignored signs that something was wrong, telling myself that "Xyz is my friend. She'll tell me if there's a problem." Further, I should have known I would eventually be tossed aside, as I had seen it happen to others.

Maya Angelou reportedly said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." They did and I ignored it. There are lots of reasons why I ignored it, but I must admit I did. I wanted the fun, I wanted the "friendship," and I wanted to believe that "those other people" deserved the treatment they got. When I got that same treatment, it really shocked me and it shouldn't have. Shame on me.

I generally just tell someone that they've hurt me, if they have, so that we can move on. I want the same in return. I very rarely am hurtful on purpose, and when I am, I am always sorry that my temper got away from me. Nobody deserves abuse. Usually, when I tell someone that something they've done/said has hurt me, they will say "I'm sorry," even though they didn't intentionally hurt me -- or even if they did. Acknowledging that I feel hurt and that they didn't want that to happen is all I usually need to get over it and move on. I get mad but I don't stay mad. I'm sensitive but not unreasonable!

With these people, it was different. In each (related) case, their reaction was to either completely ignore me, say that my feelings shouldn't be hurt, or to pretend that they actually didn't do what they did.

Now, the first two I kind of understand. It's much easier to completely avoid facing someone you know you've hurt than to work through it. Sometimes it just takes people time to process what happened and realize that, despite what they may or may not have intended, someone was hurt. But that last one is a doozy. "No, no, I didn't smack you in the face. No, no, didn't do it. What red mark?"

Now, let me say that it was a metaphorical slap in the face -- not a physical assault -- from all involved. But still...

It has been months and months and months since all this happened, but again today I'm told that it's being talked about in social circles. Why? I can't figure it out. Why would someone who literally says to me, "I don't give a shit how you feel" bother to continue to talk about me? I mean, when I heard those words I knew immediately that I had to move on and that this person wasn't my friend. Why didn't saying those words have the same effect on the other side?

I must simply face the fact that none of these people valued me or my friendship at all. Yes, they said they did, but their actions speak otherwise. Do they simply not know how to be a true and genuine friend? Are they just selfishly wishing that I'd return to being their friend without having my feelings honored?

The bottom line for me is that I deserve good friends who truly care about me. I also want to be a true friend to people with whom I can be 100% honest, and whose feelings I can honor in the same way I want mine to be respected. I need to stop trying to figure out why these people did what they did, acted shocked at my response, and refuse to admit what was said and done. THAT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME. I like to understand things. I like to think I have an understanding of those around me.

However, for my own good, I have to stop picking this scab, exposing the hurt again and again. I must let it heal and learn to live with the fact that I'll probably never really understand.

I turned 40 this year, and I'm finally starting to feel the power and wisdom that I've heard so many women older than me talking about. In my 20s, and maybe even my 30s, I wouldn't have stood in my truth, respected myself, and marched on -- sometimes alone -- knowing it was what was best for me. I would have swept my own feelings aside and denied the pain just to continue to be a part of the group, get along, and be seen as "easy going."

As it turns out, honoring myself was the best thing for me. As difficult as this journey has been, I know my self esteem would've been in the shitter had I tried to pretend I was okay with what happened. While I was initially devastated by the betrayal, and hurt again by the subsequent disloyal acts, I am now firmly on solid ground, enjoying deeper friendships with people I've known nearly my whole life. I regret that I didn't spend more of my time on them before, but we live and learn, right?

This is part of what's WRONG with the world

I have an extremely negative gut reaction to this billboard, which is up all over town:

Now, I know it's an ad for the Kentucky Derby Museum's exhibit featuring "Derby day attire highlighting the splendid hats, accessories and outfits worn from Millionaire’s Row down to the Winner’s Circle." I think that's a great idea for an exhibit... interesting, even. Fashion is a reflection of our society, and watching how it changes is interesting from a variety of angles.

However, WHY does the ad for it have to be two little richy ninnies making fun of someone's less-than-stellar outfit? Isn't that what's WRONG with the world? Uuugh. It just feels nasty, nasty, nasty to me.

I was so distracted by the negativity of it the first few times I saw it, that I didn't even know what the ad was for. I figured it was some snotty boutique advertising it's rich bitch "sale," using fear to motivate Derby-going locals to spend some cash lest they be the subject of gossip. Gross.

Don't play with addicts

I have two friends that are both addicts. One is in recovery, but is still very fragile in her ability to fight off the demon. The other is very probably near death.

 

I talk to her less and less lately because I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make life better – especially if she doesn’t do what she needs to do for herself. I haven’t talked to him since he gave up his year of sobriety to jump back into cocaine full force. As soon as I found out he was using, I completely cut him off and told him, “I want nothing to do with you.”

 

I love these people, and yet I feel drained by their neediness. I want to be a good person. I want to do what’s right. I have trouble drawing lines. She is encouraging me to call him because “a few simple words can go a long way.”

 

Part of me wants to call him and say goodbye. Again, I believe he’s very close to death and I’d like a chance to say… something. On the other hand, I don’t want him to start contacting me again. I cannot help him. I don’t want his dramatic, dangerous lifestyle to come anywhere near me or my family.

 

What’ll I do?

Little girl

No matter how old I get, I can always very easily get back in touch with my “little girl” feelings. I’m going to have to face it: I may never feel like a grown up woman. (Is it just me?)

 

I always feel like there’s this big secret to life that everyone else knows but me. I’m starting to suspect that the secret is: There is no secret. We just have to keep plugging along, making the best decisions we can with the information we have, and forgiving ourselves for missteps and mistakes.

 

Ya feel me, sisters?

 

What a bear does in the woods

I’m hibernating. I hardly left my house all weekend. I’m crafting, beading, crocheting, messing around with paper mache, painting... It’s fun and I don’t have to talk to people, which has been something I’ve needed to avoid lately. I’m not depressed, I’m just overloaded. The cold doesn’t help. Who wants to go out and do anything when you have to get all frozen?

 

I need to start holiday shopping. I haven’t even made my list yet. I have, however, engaged my sister in a plot to ease the stress of Thanksgiving for my mother. We’ve ordered a turkey from a local BBQ joint who promises to smoke the bird to perfection. They don’t slice, but my brother in law promises to do that deed. Hopefully, that’ll make Mom’s hosting job a bit easier. We all pitch in on sides and desserts, leaving lots of free time for hanging out, sipping coffee, and looking at sale ads.

 

I have a couple of days off around Thanksgiving, too. The BeBop will be out of school so hopefully we can have a little girl time! Can’t wait. I know my days of being “cool” are numbered, so I want to make the most of this time. Maybe we’ll make some Christmas ornaments.

 

Jingle Bells?

We're still a long way from Christmas, kids. Are your fingers poised on the mute button yet? Set DVRs to FFWD!

Nowhere to direct this anger

My husband just picked my 7-year old child up from school because she vomited. When he asked her when she started feeling ill, she told him that she started feeling nauseated after another child spit in her mouth. She said that another little girl was standing behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when my child turned around and said “what?” the other girl spat at her and it landed in my little one’s mouth.

 

I am furious and there’s nowhere to direct the anger. The offender is a child – someone else’s child – so I can’t fuss at her. The teacher couldn’t have prevented it… Who thinks someone’s going to SPIT?

 

I just don’t get it. Besides being unsanitary and disgusting, spitting is extremely disrespectful behavior. I’m sure that little girl didn’t intentionally spit directly into my child’s mouth, but what the heck is she doing spitting anyway? Spitting at another person at all is ANIMAL behavior. Where was this child raised? In the camel pen at the zoo? AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!

 

I really need to yell at someone… or cry… or both at the same time.

 

I’ve emailed the teacher to make sure she knows what happened and to give her a chance to calm me with some teacher-y assurances that the other child was adequately reprimanded. Let’s hope she follows through, QUICKLY.